Almost Crazy

Feeling: nervous

I've been off work for almost 2 years now.  Trying to clean up the mess that is my life and find some semblance of peace.  During this time off I have been reflecting on what could be responsible for my depression and related symptoms (hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, etc.) and have come to the conclusion that the sexual abused I suffered at Sick Kids Hospital is it.  It's something that I have never admitted out loud until this year and have never talked in detail to anyone about.

That's about to change.

I get a great deal of comfort and strength with the sharing of my problems.  Even just speaking to a stranger about what happened gives me some measure of control over it.  I'm not hiding a secret anymore.  Now I'm just dealing with a trauma.  I guess the designation for what I'm going through could be called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)".  I always thought that PTSD was reserved for people who have witness or endured something really horrible that was beyond thier control.  Being sexually abused at Sick Kids always felt like something I should have stopped.  Something that I has asked for in some unknown, hidden way.  I realize now that it was not.  It has affected me more profoundly than anything else in my life ever has.

So, at the suggestion of my psychologist, I am going to post the writing that I have been doing about the abuse I suffered at Sick Kids.  It will be graphic at times... disturbing all the time, but hopefully it will ultimately help in my healing process.  

Check out the link here.
http://john-cockburn.livejournal.com/