Almost Crazy

Feeling: nervous

I've been off work for almost 2 years now.  Trying to clean up the mess that is my life and find some semblance of peace.  During this time off I have been reflecting on what could be responsible for my depression and related symptoms (hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, etc.) and have come to the conclusion that the sexual abused I suffered at Sick Kids Hospital is it.  It's something that I have never admitted out loud until this year and have never talked in detail to anyone about.

That's about to change.

I get a great deal of comfort and strength with the sharing of my problems.  Even just speaking to a stranger about what happened gives me some measure of control over it.  I'm not hiding a secret anymore.  Now I'm just dealing with a trauma.  I guess the designation for what I'm going through could be called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)".  I always thought that PTSD was reserved for people who have witness or endured something really horrible that was beyond thier control.  Being sexually abused at Sick Kids always felt like something I should have stopped.  Something that I has asked for in some unknown, hidden way.  I realize now that it was not.  It has affected me more profoundly than anything else in my life ever has.

So, at the suggestion of my psychologist, I am going to post the writing that I have been doing about the abuse I suffered at Sick Kids.  It will be graphic at times... disturbing all the time, but hopefully it will ultimately help in my healing process.  

Check out the link here.
http://john-cockburn.livejournal.com/

Feeling: thirsty

Delusions - false beliefs or thoughts with no basis in reality
Hallucinations - hearing, seeing, or feeling things that are not there
Disordered thinking - thoughts "jump" between completely unrelated topics (the person may talk nonsense)
Catatonic behavior - bizarre motor behavior marked by a decrease in reactivity to the environment, or hyperactivity that is unrelated to stimulus
Flat affect - an appearance or mood that shows no emotion

Feeling: excited
Listening to: Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance

MOM: "What would you like for supper tonight Billy?"
BILLY: "Why do you have to ask me that? You never make what I want anyway!"
MOM: "What do you mean?"
BILLY: "Last time you asked what I wanted for supper you said 'NO' and just made meatloaf."
MOM: "Well, what did you want for supper that time?"
BILLY: "Candy."
MOM: "But Billy, you can't eat candy for supper. You have to eat something healthy."
BILLY: "You said that last time too. Just make meatloaf."

Feeling: weird
Listening to: Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying

1. That human organs are being harvested from executed prisoners in China, India, and other third world countries for use in North America.


2. That the United States has used loop-holes in the constitution and Presidential favours to create and empower FEMA in order for it to be used as a domestic police force whenever needed.


3. That the United States has fully operational "concentration camps" located across the country for a specific, but secret purpose.


4. That evidence of "extra terrestrial life" is being kept secret by various governments across the world.


5. That the reality of a global shift in temperature is being hidden.